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Nikku’s Tekken Movie Review

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Nikku’s Tekken Movie Review

Post by Nikku on Wed Aug 11, 2010 11:39 am

Well guys, I sat through this drivel and I have to say I hated every second of it. Just like with Dragonball Evolution, I wrote a review as I watched it. It’s pretty long, so I hope you wore comfy pants today! And now, without further ado, here we go...

==========

And so, we come to yet another adaption. Another American adaption of a Japanese form of media. I thought that after the ultimate shitfest known as Dragonball Evolution, film makers would learn off their mistakes.

They did not.

I’ve never had high hopes for the Tekken Live Action Movie (LAM). The characters look next to nothing like their videogame counterparts, save for a few such as Eddy Gordo and Raven. They’ve also done what every director is doing these days; making it “dark, gritty and realistic”. When will these people learn that not everything needs to be like the Dark Knight, one of the most overrated films of all time? Aaaah, I give up, let’s just watch this piece of crap.

*Less than a minute later*

Okay, pause it! ..........What the hell? “Tekken City”? Calling the Mishima Zaibatsu “Tekken”?? Ladies and gentlemen, this movie has officially hit rock bottom...... AND WE’RE NOT EVEN 1 F***ING MINUTE INTO THE DAMN FILM!!!!!

Wait a minute... we’re now suddenly straight into the tournament?? What’s with that crappy song playing? Wait what, “5 days earlier”?? WHAT’S GOING ON?????? Oh I give up. After Dragging Balls De-Evolution, I’ve given up trying to make sense of rubbish adaptions. I take it that guy we saw Jin getting ready to fight was Bryan Fury. The Japanese Jin’s (played by Jon Foo, a CHINESE AMERICAN) hair isn’t spiked up and Bryan never had facial hair in the game. Also, his hair is white, not brown, but that may just be the lighting. More names are printed on the screen as notJin is chased by men with guns. OH NO!!! CARY HIROYUKI TAGAWA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? How could you be in this drivel!? You played SHANG TSUNG in the live action Mortal Kombat movie! Anyways, notJin slams a guy’s face with a door and delivers the first of what I presume will be many awful one liners “That’s gotta hurt!”

*Shudders*

Wow... these credits have the most basic, most uninteresting text I’ve ever seen. It’s just plain white text placed neatly in the corner of the screen as notJin runs from these gunmen. Who are these gunmen anyways? Ooo! Ooo! Lookie at what the highly interesting looking credits just showed;

“Based on the video game “Tekken” developed by Namco/Bandai games”

Now, you and I both know that it should’ve said;

“Screwing up the beloved video game series by NamcoBandai”

So notJin FINALLY makes it to where he was going and is greeted by some hermit looking guy with long hair and a beard. Good God, this acting is SO bad that I can’t even hear what they’re saying! So they do a deal (looks like a drug deal but with a little high tech gizmo) and notJin walks around the dark, gritty and realistic street. He looks up and see’s... see’s... Hehe... Hehehehehe... Hahahahaha....

.............................
................
.........................................

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL, IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE HEIHACHI!?!? Look at his hair!! HahahahaaaaaaaaAAAAAAA!!!! Oh my god, what in the name of Uncle Sam’s undershorts were they thinking?? NotJin goes into a seedy bar where we see on a TV screen that Marshall Law (one of my favourite characters in the games, be VERY careful how you tread here movie) didn’t make it past the qualifying rounds?? What the f**k??? The announcers say that Law will be fighting people to make it into the tournament. Why? Why does he have to beat guy after guy to enter? Shouldn’t he be allowed to... oh f**k it.

NotJin gives the barkeep some money for some reason (I dunno, something about a tab or something) and leaves. Despite the fact that the barkeep never sells Jin anything in this scene (I expected notJin to get wasted off his ass or something), he calls him his “favourite customer”... Riiiight... Anyways, before he actually leaves, Jin takes part in a drug deal where he buys... coffee, an orange and a bar of chocolate...? What the heck? Why was that scene done up like a drug deal? The pimp selling him the stuff even has two ladies on either side of him.

But wait, there’s more! Before he can leave, Jin is confronted by two dweebs who mispronounce Heihachi. Despite that fact you pronounce it “Hey-Hat-Chee” they say “Hai-Ya-Chi”. They insult him like they want to fight him... and then just let him leave. Okaaaay... We then cut to some big place where men are playing drums as what’s meant to be the Tekken Force soldiers do some weird movements. It is here we see Heihachi and his son whom he hates and vice verse, Kazuya. Why are they friends, movie? Why are they friends?? And why isn’t Kazuya’s hair spiked up and why does he have a massive beard!?!?!?!? Anyways, Kazuya shows signs that he MIGHT, JUST MIGHT not like his dear old daddy and we cut to Tekken City. Tekken City, seriously?? We see what’s meant to be Jun Kazama (of course, looking nothing like she’s supposed to). Jin actually surprises her by giving her an orange and coffee and there is some more boring banter. They begin to argue when Jun says she doesn’t want Jin going to fight in Tekken and Jin turns to leave like an angsty emo teenager (hmmmm, sort of reminds me of another well loved character who was horribly raped in his LAM, what was his name... “Gookee? Um, Geeko? Um... Guudo?” Oh forget it) Jun ORDERS Jin no to go out with a very stern voice (and shite acting to boot) yet makes no effort to stop him.

Outside, Jin runs into a girl “Lara” was it? And gives her the chocolate bar from earlier. She eats it like she’s never eaten before. What a pivotal scene, behold the mighty chocolate bar!! Bow down before its excellence!! After that 10 second long scene, we cut to the guys Jin was with earlier. Then we... wait a minute!! What’s going on with the editing here?? What’s going on!?!? Anyways, Jin begins to shaft the chocolate girl. No, no, don’t re-read that previous sentence, you read right the first time; Jin, who has never even THOUGHT about kissing in the games, starts making out with this original character. HHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!! JUST LIKE GOKU IN DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WWWWWWOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Ahem* Sorry, I kind of lost my sanity there. Seriously, when’s the fighting gonna start I’m getting VERY bored now.

Anyways, Jin starts doing it to the girl (yeah, they actually went there) as the guys in the lab get broken into by the Tekken Force and Kazuya. He tells them that it wasn’t easy to track them down and starts fighting the two guys whilst Jin does it to the chocolate girl. Seeing as I have already forgotten her name, she will now be known as Chocolate Girl. The scenes with Jin and Chocolate Girl having it off are sloppily and speedily intercut with the boring fighting. Kazuya holds up a gun and says “Now THIS is an American classic!” I thought he was talking about this film and the “quality” of American adaption’s, but hey... can ya blame me? Thankfully, before we have to see notJin orgasm, “Jacks” storm Tekken City (“Tekken City”, seriously?????) and look for him. Jin instantly gets off his bitch and runs out of her place. Wait so it’s not the Tekken Force?? The Tekken Force soldiers are now called the Jacks?? AIYAAAA!!! They confront Jun and speak in a foreignese language that’s not subtitled (Just like a scene in Dragonball Evolution) and try to rough her up a bit as Jin arrives outside.

However, the EEEEEEEVIIIIIL Kazuya orders the *sighs* .....Jacks, to bomb Jin’s house.

Jack – But sir, our men are still inside!!!
Kazuya – I don’t care, just DO IT!!!!

Oooooooooooooo!!!! He’s a very naughty man isn’t he? Jin surrounds the wreckage, has flashbacks and finds out that his dead mommy was in Tekken. Yeah, that’s right, instead of being killed by Ogre like in the games; she’s now killed by a missile. Chocolate Girl arrives and says “Jin”. This prompts her lover to say “I shoulda been here!” Yes, then you would’ve been killed too and this movie would end! But sadly, in the world of LAM’s like this one... we’re never that lucky. Jin says that “Haiyachi” killed his mom and then angrily states that he’ll pay. Yes, but you see Mr. Jon Foo, we Tekken fans have been saying that about you since we first saw the pictures of this turd of a film.

We then cut to Steve Fox played by Luke Goss, who I swear is doing one of the WORST British accents I’ve ever heard. “YOWRE A BUNCHA WAAANKAHS!!!” I hate to use internet slang in a review but... LMFAO!!! He is offering “AHN UNDRID LOWCAW DOLLAWS” (a hundred local dollars) to the one who can last 3 minutes in the cage with Marshall Law (again film, be very careful here...) A big guy and Jin sign up, but upon seeing Law break a guy’s arm, the big guy chickens out and leaves, prompting Steve to once again shout “WANKAAAAAH!!!” It’s actually hilarious to hear his accent, seriously, you should just watch the film for that one aspect. Anyways, Jin is dragged into the cage and he stares at Law. One can hear the announcer say that Law knocked out Paul Phoenix last year, in 28 seconds. Thank god Paul just gets a mention. I’d hate to see how they did his hair in this film. Speaking of hair, in the games, Steve has long slicked back blonde hair. In this, his hair isn’t even an inch long and is very dark in color. Aaaah, come on movie, just get on with the fight already.

(Gee, I wonder if Law’s going to lose...!)

Anyways, the guy playing Law (Cung Le) spits at Jin’s feet (something Law would NEVER do in the games) and they fight. Dear Lord... did they even study the characters for this film? Obviously not, as Law fights dirty. INCREDIBLY dirty. Where’s the Jeet Kun Do at, huh? He knees his opponent in the stomach, kicks Jin’s face when he’s down, struggles like a wild animal, acts like a real moron with a massive ego, etc. This isn’t Law at all. So after Jin has been beaten, the “boring invincible hero” rule kicks in and Jin wins. This version of Law is so bad, that notJin actually has to tell him “Respect! Do you hear it??” I would have personally added “And lose some f***ing weight, fatboy!”, seriously, Law looked really flabby in this film.

So after the movie shows me how much it raped my most used character, it shows Jin and Steve walking and talking. Steve tells Jin that he just beat “A Tekken Fighter”. Now this line to me sounds like he’s talking about the actual videogames. Couldn’t be though, because Marshall Law isn’t a dirty fatty, spitty, big headed idiot. The movie then delivers some of its most amazing dialogue;

Steve – Who taught you to fight?
Jin – My mother.
Steve – Hahaha! Your mother? No way!
Jin – She’s dead.

*Blinks* Wow, this makes Dragonball Evolution’s script sound like a masterpiece. So anyways, Steve decides to be Jin’s sponser and the two of them board a bus where Jin does some MORE reminiscing. Next we cut to Kazuya lying in a bed with lingerie clad women all around him. Wait a minute... where is it... where is iiiit... THERE IT IS, gratuitous ass shot. Because nobody saw THAT coming now did they? Anyways, Kazuya... is lying naked in a bed with only a portion of a sheet covering his John Thomas!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!! MY EYES, I’M BLIND!!! Wait a minute, I know those girls, they’re supposed to be Anna and Nina! So now, the two assassin sisters who hate each other’s guts are Kazuya’s love slaves...? Okay movie, whatever you say. Hm? No, I’ve given up trying to argue with you! So Heihachi comes in, tells him that winning Iron Fist means winning the world and then leaves. Soooooo... that whole scene only existed to show a threesome? Well done movie, well done...! *Slow clapping*

So Jin and (his father figure) Steve arrive at... some place, I’m sorry, I really wasn’t paying attention then. Remember, that Steve and Jin have had no interaction in the videogames whatsoever. We then cut to Kazuya explaining (and by “explaining” I mean f***ing up and changing) the profiles and fighting styles of various Tekken fighters. There’s Raven, Eddy Gordo, Dragunov, Nina, Anna, Miguel and Christie. Now I will admit, both Raven and Eddy looked accurately like their game counterparts (bloody hell, this movie did something right!?!?!?!?) but the others, no. Since when was the dark skinned, Brazilian Christie a white girl? Oh for God’s sake... Kazuya then introduces even MORE characters; Bryan and Yoshimitsu (current Iron Fist champion, what?). And I was seriously irked at what the fighting styles were; Christie now is a mixed martial artist instead of a Capoeira practitioner and Bryan, the kick boxer is a bloody KENPO fighter!? We then see said fighters training and a half naked Jin getting scanned (don’t ask). Steve gives him his trademark orange flame pants... sorry, his WHITE flame pants. Why the white ones? Fans are more familiar with the orange ones you pricks!! NotJin even flat out refuses to wear his trademark outfit!!

So Jin wanders around and... oh hell no. STARTS CHECKING OUT CHRISTIE MONTEIRO. Honestly fellow Tekkenites, I wish I was making this shit up, but I’m not. And the way he speaks to her, it reminds me of those damn lovey dovey scenes between Justin Chatwin and Jamie Chung in Dragonball Evolution. That’s how bad this scene is!! And has little NotJin forgotten about Chocolate Girl!? So now, not only is Jin a love crazed emo, he’s now an adulterer, he cheats on his girlfriend!! Way to go... um... er... who made this trash again? Oh yeah, way to go Crystal Sky Pictures! Anyways, we then FINALLY begin the tournament, some annoying announcer introduces each fighter and they play up to the crowd like there’s no tomorrow, something characters like Raven would NEVER do in the games. Oh and Jin stares at Christies ass! Remember Chocolate Girl buddy, remember! The announcer calls his name and he walks out to the main arena. Now, I’ll be honest with you, I laughed hard when I saw him properly here, with his stupid little flame pants that are actually colored NAVY BLUE! You have to see it for yourself!

GAAAAAAAAAH!!!! JUST GET ON WITH THE F***ING FIGHTING ALREADY!!! CRIMANY!!!

First match, Raven vs Eddy Gordo. Lateef Crowder, who’s playing Eddy actually uses Capoeira, but I don’t have a clue what style Raven was using. I also eye-rolled at the trash talking in this fight. To cut a long story short, Raven wins by... actually, lemme ask you how you think he wins;

A) Uses stealthy ninjutsu, long kicks and quick punches like in the games
B) Climbs on top of his opponent and punches his face till he’s knocked out

If you picked B... NO F***IN’ S**T!! That’s right film, get rid of the ONE character who’s actually been done a little justice. Bravo. Next up, Miguel vs Jin (Whom they remind us for the 50th time is the “people’s choice”). This guy looks and acts nothing like Miguel. Speaking of Miguel, why the hell is he even in this movie over veteran characters like Paul and Lei? Oh forget it, just get on with the plot... what there is of it. It was at this point that I realised they changed the fighting part of the arena to look like other countries. What, is this supposed to be their lame little way of having the character’s fight in different places like in the games? Cause it doesn’t work. Anyways, they fight and Jin gets his ass handed to him again. Miguel yells (in an American, not a Spanish accent) “YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE!? THIS IS IRON FIST!!” *Shudders* This acting and these fight scenes are effing HORRIBLE!! Hey movie, you know where YOU are?? THIS IS A SHITTY ADAPTION!! Take that ya bastard!

Blah, blah, blah, Jin gets beaten, then he, yup, you guessed it, taps into his boring invincible hero status again. Oh yeah, the other fighters “trash” talk each other and I can see now that Bryan’s hair IS white. At least they got another tiny thing right at least, huh? So Jin breaks Miguel’s leg and he screams like a little bitch, then Jin knocks him off the bridge they’re fighting on and begins, now I’m dead serious here, POUNDING HIM TO DEATH. Jin would NEVER do that!!! Luckily though, Steve tells him to stop and he does. So Jin and Steve are confronted by Kazuya, there’s some more cliché speak of Jin saying he’ll never belong to Tekken and his father leaves. Of course, the fact that Jin and Kazuya are father and son is never actually stated. Next scene, Jin is practicing on a training post whilst having even MORE flashbacks of his mother. Am I the only one who’s noticed how cruel she is to him in this film? So Jin breaks the pegs on the post, when Christie walks in. GEE, I WONDER IF THEY’RE GOING TO MAKE OUT?? Nope, it’s even worse!! Christie takes him to an underground night club. For f**k’s sake movie! Could you be any worse? NO, NOOOOO!!!! FORGET I SAID THAT!!!

So the movie shows us just how much of a slut this version of Christie is by showing the back of her outfit, which completely shows half of her butt. She then tells Jin that he doesn’t know “anything about her”. No, but I do! Ahem; Christie Monteiro is a dark skinned Brazilian Capoeira practitioner who is the granddaughter of the man who trained Eddy Gordo whilst he was hiding out in prison and... oh sorry, am I accurately describing the Tekken characters again? Huuh, anyways, Christie takes Jin’s hand and... oh come on!! They dance on the frikkin’ club floor! I seriously laughed at Jon Foo’s “dancing” in this scene. So then they start tongue wrestling. No you heard me right the first time, these two have known each other for like 2 minutes and they’re already making out. Gee, reminds me of another too-quick-to-happen romance in another shitty adaption... oh yes; Bulma and Yamcha in Dragonball Evolution. You know Tekken LAM, you and DBE should definitely hook up, you have SO much in common!

Wow, okay you two, stop it right now. Stop it right f**king now. I mean it. You’ve known each other for under 3 minutes and you are passionately kissing as hard as you can. That’s just stupid. Once again ladies and gentlemen, JIN HAS NEVER EVEN MENTIONED WANTING A GIRLFRIEND IN THE GAMES. So the two FINALLY pry themselves away from each other and Jin is attacked by a ninja lady in his room. The flickering lights in this scene really hurt my eyes and made it very hard to see what was happeneing. They obviously did it to disguise the fact that these retards can’t fight. So Jin is wounded and the lady escapes as Christie helps Jin up. Steve then joins them and tells them that he knew Jun Kazama (Jin’s mommy). WAIT, HOLD ON, TIME OUT! Steve has never EVER met Jun. He’s never even frikkin’ heard of her!!!

Steve – We were in Iron Fist together...

NO YOU WEREN’T YOU LYING F**K NUT!! She was in Tekken 2 and Tag, you were in Tekken 4, 5 and 6. Until Tekken Tag 2 comes out, you cannot say that you knew her!!! OKAY!?!?!?!?

*Takes tranquilisers in large doses*

Huuuuuuuuh........ Sorry... about... that...

*Shakes it off*

Anyway, Jin is told to go underground and to forget about Iron Fist, and Jin refuses with Jon Foo giving us some of the worst acting in the entire film. So then Kazuya is fighting (with WEAPONS) against some random hench dude and he says that “He” is still alive. The “He” that he’s referring to is Jin I take it? Next fight, Christie vs Nina Williams. I just love how Nina only wears thin leather straps and how Anna’s dress is so short you can practically see her panties without her doing a high kick. Jin recognises Nina as one of the assassins. ONE of the assassins?? There were two of them? See movie? See what happens when you don’t show us what’s happening in certain scenes??

Anyways, in short, Nina gets her butt kicked in less than a minute. No, lemme re-phrase that; she gets absolutely f**king manhandled. Way to cater to Nina fans, movie! Elsewhere, Kazuya offers Bryan much cash if he can kill Jin and threatens to spill out his little secret, that he’s using bio enhancements, to the world if he doesn’t comply. He says that they are illegal in Iron Fist. Huh, strange, nobodies mentioned anything since Tekken 3 onwards. Anyways, the next fight is about to begin; Jin (THE PEOPLE’S CHOICE, yes the movie had to remind you again!) vs Yoshimitsu... the reigning champion, the guy who has never won a Tekken tourney is his lifetime. Jin’s hands are still pretty beat up from trying to kill Miguel, so Steve gives him his trademark gauntlets... well, now they are Steve’s “old power gloves”. Aiyaiyai!! Isn’t this movie done yet!?!? Heihachi decides that Jin vs Yoshimitsu would be better suited for the semi final and orders the fight postponed, but Kazuya sets the Jacks (Tekken Force members) on him because he wants Jin to fight Yoshimitsu, NAO!!!

Yoshi emerges and takes up his sword. Then Jin picks up a f**king naginata. Yes, that’s right, your fully posable Jin action figure now comes complete with weapons! Only $19.95! We then see people from Tekken City watching the events unfold on a big screen TV and we also catch a glimpse of.... DADAAAAA!!! CHOCOLATE GIRL!! Where’ve you been baby? We missed ya!

Not.

By the way, you’re loving loyal boyfriend has been doing it to other women.

I digress, onto the fight. Both lose their weapons very quickly and resort to fist fighting. Yoshimitsu (under orders from Kazuya...? Whatever) completely rapes Jin............ with a barrage of attacks that is! And Heihachi says that there is “no honour in this” Yes, because Heihachi is all about honour isn’t he? Kazuya then reveals that Jin is his son and Heihachi beats up a few Jacks, hitting a security button. Jin has EVEN MORE BLOODY FLASHBACKS and.... you guessed it, transforms once again into boring invincible hero. He beats Yoshimitsu in a few seconds (about 4) and has to be taken away by Steve and Christie. In the ensuing chaos, all the Iron Fist competitors are detained along with Jin, Steve and Christie. Kazuya then talks about how, get this, TV RATINGS ARE POWER! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! OH my god, Kaz’ what have they done to you?? He then decides he wants more power (sorry, TV ratings) and says that Iron Fist will continue tomorrow, but now all the fights will be.... TO THE DEATH! BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!!!!!

However, a jail break is sprung and Steve, instead of using his boxing techniques to beat the soldiers, uses a machine gun, I also found it funny how they just left the others in their cages and took only Raven with them. Christie then picks up a gun and they confront Heihachi. Jin asks him how it feels to be behind bars despite the fact that he’s behind a metal fence. Oh look, now even Raven has a machine gun. Sodding hell, movie!! However, he’s suddenly shot and beaten down as Heihachi is freed and joins our hapless, unlikable heroes. In a safe house, Christie wipes a tiny bit of blood away from Jin’s mouth as Heihachi enters and tells him how he “Shaved” (saved) his mother’s life. He also tells Jin that Kazuya is his daddy. Before plot development can rear its ugly head, Jacks arrive and fatally shoot Steve, knock out Christie with a tazer and then Kazuya arrives and after a brief talk with Heihachi, actually tries to hold back tears. TEARS. That’s right, Kazuya nearly cries! Then a Jack shoots and kills Heihachi. Why is this movie killing all its characters all of a sudden!? And Heihachi survived a motherf**king explosion in the Tekken 5’s intro, so how does a ruddy bullet kill him??

The next day, the all new death matches begin with Dragunov vs Bryan Fury. And yes, they fight with weapons! THIS IS TEKKEN, NOT SOUL CALIBUR!!! In a short and surprisingly bloody fight (when has Tekken ever had so much blood anyways!? Well, when has it ever had blood period!?!?), Dragunov is killed. Back to the cells and, oh hey look, Raven’s not dead yet! Kazuya talks with his son and then says that to get to him, Jin will have to beat Bryan. He then renders Christie completely useless by holding her by the weak spot (the arms) and leads her away, forcing her to watch the ensuing fights. Back in the cells, Raven has a heart to heart with Jin, telling him he saw greatness in him during his fight with Miguel. No Raven, that was his Boring Invincible Hero Status. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! MORE FLASHBACKS!!!!!!!!! Then Jin is finally ready for his death match. The announcer yells “BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN FURYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY VS JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN.............. THE PEOPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLES CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!!!!” Seriously, why doesn’t anyone say his last name!? Is “The People’s Choice” his last name in this film??

Jin has trouble with Bryan and his enhancements. However, when all seems lost, Jin has... take a wild guess;

A) Another flashback leading to Boring Invincible Hero status
B) Massive self doubt and quits the fight
C) A fall and is killed by Bryan

Of course, option A wins out... AGAIN!!! People in a bar (who I think are the two lame-o’s from the beginning of the film start to be annoying again and chant Jin’s name and Jin wins in a very unbelievable fashion, I mean, he couldn’t even make this guy flinch and then he’s suddenly knocking him around like foam?? COME ON!! So Kazuya decides he’s had enough and picks up two axes. Oh goodie... more weapons... And thus begins the final battle between father and son. Jin starts to lose and... You know what movie, what’s the damn point? You know what’s gonna happen, I know what’s gonna happen, the people reading this review know what’s gonna happen. So why not just get it over with? There we go; Christie creates a distraction and Jin beats Kazuya by slicing his stomach with an axe, but doesn’t kill him. Christie then becomes Captain Obvious;

Christie – You won...!!

DUUUUUH... DID HE?? I could’ve sworn it was Eddy that won...! She then becomes... the announcer?? And declares Jin the champion of Iron Fist. The barkeep yells “drinks on the house!” then a guy in the bar yells “drinks on meeeeeeee, yeah!!” Well fine then, if you want your tab increasing then fine, the barkeep was just trying to offer free drinks and... sorry, got angry at the wrong (yet still stupid) dialogue there... So Jin surprisingly DOESN’T snog Christie and leaves as the Jacks salute him or whatever. Then he walks through the streets with his posse as Chocolate Girl smiles, then the movie ends. No reunion between them or anything, it just ends.

THANK THE LORD!!!

Geez, man I’m tellin’ ya, I don’t know how many more of these adaption’s I can sit through... I thought that the last of my iron will had been shattered by Dragonball Evolution, but whaddaya know, I’m still here you mother f**kin’ adaption’s!! Oh my god, there was so much wrong with this film;

- Why was it dark, gritty and realistic?
- Why was there bucket loads of blood? (Bryan vs Dragunov being a prime example)
- What was the point of Dragunov? He was just there to get killed by Bryan!
- What was the point of Anna!? She did nothing! Didn’t even fight and had like one line.
- Why was Jin making out with an original character and Christie?
- Why was Yoshimitsu (who in the games dislikes the Mishimas) working for the Mishimas?
- Why did some characters look good (like Eddy and Raven) and others look nothing like their videogame counterparts?
- Why was Steve Jin’s father figure and why didn’t he fight?
- Why was their so much weapon fighting?
- Why did Kazuya never attack anyone with his fists of feet? Why did he always use guns and axes? (Well he did slap a defenceless Christie in one scene)
- What happened to the other characters at the end such as Raven?

I also have to say that Jin winning every fight got very lame. Here’s how all of his fights go;

• Jin gets his ass handed to him.
• Jin flashbacks to his mother.
• Jin wins.

Seriously. After his fight with Yoshimitsu, Jin is too wounded to even stand after winning, yet manages to walk, fight, talk and stuff with no effort the day after. He even manages to beat both Bryan AND Kazuya one after the other. Complete bollocks.

The point is, Hollywood needs to stop trying to adapt Japanese things. Dragonball Evolution, Mortal Kombat Annihilation, DOA: Dead or Alive and more. Poor Street Fighter has fallen to this 3 count ‘em 3 times! Street Fighter (1994), Street Fighter the Legend of Chun-Li (2008) and get this, there’s this awful fan film on YouTube called Street Fighter Legacy. And it’s only got Jon Foo as Ryu!! That’s right. I even made a little rhyme for this situation, here it is;

First Jin and now Ryu, who else will fall prey to Jon Foo?

The guy isn’t even Japanese, he’s Chinese American! STOP RUINING THESE ICONIC CHARACTERS.

Anyways, to cut a long story short, this movie is terrible. The fights are way too short (I think the longest one lasted 45 seconds), the acting is atrocious, the characters are bastardised, and it doesn’t feel like Tekken at all. It’s so terrible that the series creator, Katsuhiro Harada, has actually said he hates it. Here’s the link if you don’t believe me;

http://www.psu.com/news/9534

In short, don’t watch this. Play the games instead.

Next up... King of Fighters... They’re taking the series and setting it in the future where they fight with weapons... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Overall rating – Fail/10

Edit - A bit after the ending credits shows that Heihachi didn't die. It extends the scene where he is "shot". He tells the shooter that he IS TEKKEN and that he will obey. Then the shooter lowers his gun. Oh goodie, does this mean we get a sequel??

T_____________________T

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Re: Nikku’s Tekken Movie Review

Post by 4Neodemon on Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:09 pm

LOL... you are right... like i previously said, that movie has nothing to do with tekken whatsoever!! They were trying to make it realistic but they put Jin being totally beated but still able to defeat severall opponents... when a normal fighter would already been fainted..lol
Like you said... that part where Kazuya is playing with the williams's sisters was so stupid... seriously, whats wrong with hollywood?? why always making romances and explicit sex scenes on stories where arent needed?? Its a fight movie, not a porn/romantic/drama film...lol
I have the same feeling as you when i saw Jin saying that line at the beggining ("that must hurt")... WTF??

About the characters's looks i have to disagree with you... ok, some could be better, but they were at least decent... the fights, althought without the tekken moves, they were cool (short but good).. there was some effort on that!! But this is supposed to be a tekken movie so i can understand your feelings..lol
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Re: Nikku’s Tekken Movie Review

Post by Son Goku on Thu Aug 19, 2010 2:10 am



I'm angry.

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[Prison Guard] You'll need to relinquish your weapons before we proceed.

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Re: Nikku’s Tekken Movie Review

Post by Zero on Tue Aug 24, 2010 12:08 am

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Re: Nikku’s Tekken Movie Review

Post by Nikku on Tue Aug 24, 2010 6:09 am

I... I don't get it...! Why is that man in that funny pose Zero?

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