Nikku reviews the main performances of Dragonball Evolution

Jessie asked me to do this, so I did!

Justin Chatwin as Goku –

Yuk! Just Yuk!! That’s all I have to say. I’ve never seen a more angsty, emo performance before. He just did everything wrong you know? He wasn’t ready for this (a line so bad that Fox actually had to remove it from the main film due to fan complaints), he thought things were “cool...” more than once AND he even tried to feckin’ cheat. Goku was always always ALWAYS ready for anything, except needles and facing Chi-Chi but the latter two were pure comic relief anyways. Even if he knew he couldn’t win, he still went to fight anyways, he didn’t say “I’m not ready for this” like a prick. Goku never once said the word ‘Cool’ in all of Dragonballdom. At least I never heard him say that and even if he did he would’ve said it enthusiastically you know? “That is SO COOL!!!” like that!

One of the biggest insults though, was that he actually tried to cheat. Compare the scene in which he has to use his fruity version of the Kamehameha to light some lanterns. He can’t do it (he wasn’t ready for it), so he actually picks up a candle and attempts to light the lanterns that way. FUCK FUCKING OFF. Now compare that with a scene from DBZ, in the episodes that showed us that 10 day waiting period for the Cell Games. Tao tricks Goku into doing some puzzle rings in exchange for the Dragonball they were holding. They used that opportunity to escape. Goku was there for hours and hours, trying to solve all three of them. A henchman tried to help him out and Goku (Ocean Dub line used) said “Don’t tell me... please... I’m not gonna... cheat...!” Oh yeah Wong and Chatwin, you really did your research on that one didn’t ya?

You might also want to know that this Goku gets knocked out and nearly killed by a bloody gun. And all the fans of this film saying “oh it was an energy weapon!” can shut the hell up; it was still a damn gun. In the first issue/episode of Dragonball, Goku got shot in the head. He sprung up 2 seconds later complaining that it hurt him. You gotta give it to them, they really know these characters inside out and have portrayed them excellently on screen! Oh, by the way if any of you supporters couldn’t tell, I was being sarcastic in that last bit. Another reason why this Goku isn’t a patch on the original is because he’s only interested in girls and making out. Two things that Goku was never into. Whats worse is that both he and Chi-Chi tongue wrestle TWICE in the flick. Another thing that bugged me was his hair. It’s short and brown, not big and black. It’s spiky all right, but it’s not in any way shape or form a slight resemblance to Goku’s hairstyle. He even tries to gel it down.

This Goku was just so bad, he’s so out of character, such as skipping out on his birthday dinner of bird legs (yes bird legs, I know what I saw) to go to a frikkin’ teenage party. Chatwin was also terribly wrong for the part, because he cannot fight, he does not know martial arts (and knowing him, he probably lied and said he was 1st Dan black belt in karate, just like he lied about being a fan of Dragonball). Chatwin also fails to do another facial expression, much like Devon Aoki. He’s always got that “I’m so bored, I don’t wanna be here...” kinda look on his face. And whenever he smiles, it’s always this creepy strained grin.

In short ladies and gentlemen, Justin Chatwin is the polar opposite of the character he should be playing. He also said that he had tried to “inject a bit of himself into this iconic character” he never said he’d be playing himself. Oh and his physical appearance. He’s even scrawnier than me and I’m really skinny. He said that he went to the gym everyday and drank protein six times a day. BULL PLOP.


Emmy Rossum as Bulma –

Why aren’t Eidos suing Fox? Emmy Rossum is just Lara Croft all over, but nowhere near as pretty. Bulma, who was originally a computer wiz, a scientific genius who never had fight scenes, is now a gun totting warrior chick in leather. In every scene we see of her, she’s always carrying at least two guns with her. If I recall correctly, Bulma only ever fired a gun once, in her first appearance. I vaguely remember her carrying another gun a long while later, but I don’t think she even fired it. Bulma is not a fighter. Nor is she a gunslinger. I mean for clucks sake she’s not playing Bulma, she’s playing Lara Croft’s mentally retarded younger sister.

And did you see those interviews with her? “Bulma’s so sexy and so hot and I really love her! She’s just so sexy, sexy, sexy!!!! I mean, I really love her so much. God, she’s so sexy...” ALRIGHT ALREADY!! So you’re a lesbian. There’s no need to keep showing it. So you want to “do” Bulma... think it, don’t say it. Her hair also has these grey streaks in it. What, is she trying to look like an old woman? Cause she does! She also seems to think that Bulma is a slut, some bimbo who’ll just do anyone that she’s known for a minute or two. Take the scene straight after they meet Joon Park’s Surfer Duuuuude. Oh wait, it was meant to be Yamcha? Anyways, they’ve known each other for a minute, if that, and then they try to go at it and tongue wrestle. What. The. Fuck.

I mean, come on! In the manga/anime, Bulma and Yamcha got to know each other and gradually fell in love in this cute funny little way. In DBE, they say “Hi” and then say “Wanna do it?” Absolutely abysmal. Well, no they don't exactly say that, but you get the idea.


James Marsters as Piccolo;

There is no Piccolo.


Jamie Chung as Chi-Chi;

What are you saying!? I can’t understand you!!! “Eyemafytartyeu” ???? What the hell does that mean!?!? Why are you talking in that crazy alien language! I mean come on, it’s not even Engrish! “Oh look, some kid uses his Avatar the Last Airbender techniques to open my locker and now I really want him, even though I’m already in a relationship with the Battle of Texas or whatever his name was! I’ve known him for 20 seconds, if he can light all these candles he can do me!!” that perfectly describes the Chi-Chi of the movie. “Now I’m gonna fight! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! HA! HA!” etc, etc... And no, that wasn’t laughing, that was what she thinks you constantly yell in a (lame, obviously choreographed) fight scene.

****MORE TO COME!!****

God,thanks Nikku! for making this

Yes thank you Nikku! You were right on the money with there performances.

Yesh Nikku's got it once again. Thinkin bout them losers makes me wanna puke.

"There was not Piccolo"

I lol'd!

And the Chi Chi part...well Chi Chi fell in love with Goku after an episode or two...no it was two, but that's besides the point...the part with the talking...English fail.

And Chatwin injected too much of himself, and not enough Goku

haha great Nikku ^_^

More we want moar!

Anime Goku wrote:More we want moar!

Thanks for teh comments guys. And moar!? You shall get MOAR!!!

YEAH?!

Joon Park as Yamcha;
Yo duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! My main man Yamcha is like the most ‘with it’ guy in da movie! He has this totally bitchin’ accent and this kick ass drill which he uses to like... DRILL STUFF!! He has this totally pimped up leather jacket and he like digs holes in the middle of deserts and waits for homies to fall into them! Like yo, that’s whack! He has this died blonde hair which looks so dope! OH, and he can’t fight for shit either! Oh and he gets all the girls he wants yo! Like that beatch Bulma, he gets her to make out with him just after meeting her! COWABUNGA!!!

Eriko Tamura as Mai;
So her name is Mai! Thank you Wikipedia! Yes, Eriko’s character is never named once in the entire film. Her only purpose is to wear spandex and show off her REALLY bad wig. Did I mention that she is supposed to be the film’s fan service? She does a horrible job at it too. Look at early Dragonball (proper Dragonball); Bulma in a bunny suit. *Insert lecherous noises here* That was fantastic fan service because it was done right. THIS is not fan service! Eriko Tamura is about as sexy as a cheese sandwich.

Randall Duk Kim as Grandpa Gohan;
Randall Duk Kim plays who he thinks is Grandpa Gohan. He’s some old guy who can be defeated by making him eat bugs. (If that’s an actual mini game in the PSP videogame then I’ll just laugh; picture it! Guide the bugs into Gohan’s mouth to help Goku defeat him!) Grandpa loves cooking bird legs and eating them in a way that would freak out even Gengis Khan. Oh and he also tries to screw up like the Beatles and (mentally) say he is bigger than Jesus by walking on water in a dream sequence had by Goku. He’s killed pretty early on by Palpatine, making a guest appearance from Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith and dies soon afterwards. I however wasn’t thinking about his death, I was in fact pondering on how and why the evil Emperor changed movies...

Texas Battle as Carrey Fuller;
You know I’ve never actually seen a movie in which a minor secondary villain gets much more screen time than the main one. Then I saw Dragonball Evolution. And that’s just sad. So anyways, Carrey Fuller is the resident school bully who bullies Goku. Why is he bullying Goku and calling him Geeko when Goku looks EXACTLY like they do!! Seriously, why aren’t they picking on the nerd with his trousers pulled up to his waist and the TV screen size glasses and the shirt pocket with the whole jubilee of pens sprouting from it? And come on, “Geeko”?? When you’re a school bully and that name is the best you can come up with, then you gotta start asking yourself if you are truly worthy of being a bully.

Where is Chow Yun-Fat?

You leaving him out of this XD?

probably gonna do fat by himself since he was pretty extrodinarly bizzare

YESH! Comment on Fatty!

Nikku wrote:

James Marsters as Piccolo;

There is no Piccolo.

Chow Yun Fat as Master Roshi;
So many people say this guy, this Chow Yun Fat, is a great actor. Now watch Dragonball Evolution and tell me that. Fat overacts all his scenes like an idiot. Take the scene in which he introduces himself; He does a star jump and yells out “I AM... MUTEN ROSHI!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!” It’s really random and so not funny. Why didn’t he just say “Hello, I’m Roshi nice to meet you.”? And dialogue from him is extremely cringe worthy – “Believe it you punk! You’re getting your clocked cleans!” or whatever the F**k he said.

Oh yeah, this version of Roshi also leaves his front door unlocked at night and lives in a house that sticks out like a goth at a Care Bears convention. Come on man, if you’re gonna be living in a house like that, then at least lock your god damn doors! When Roshi gets killed by a CGI blob at the end of the movie, I honestly couldn’t be bothered. Instead, I was thinking “Hmm... I WONDER if they’re going to use that perfect wish to revive him...!” And they did.

Fat, to loads of people you may be a revered actor, but to me, you're just another tosser that ruined Dragonball.

yaaaay yay!

Nikku wrote:Chow Yun Fat as Master Roshi;
So many people say this guy, this Chow Yun Fat, is a great actor. Now watch Dragonball Evolution and tell me that. Fat overacts all his scenes like an idiot. Take the scene in which he introduces himself; He does a star jump and yells out “I AM... MUTEN ROSHI!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!” It’s really random and so not funny. Why didn’t he just say “Hello, I’m Roshi nice to meet you.”? And dialogue from him is extremely cringe worthy – “Believe it you punk! You’re getting your clocked cleans!” or whatever the F**k he said.

Oh yeah, this version of Roshi also leaves his front door unlocked at night and lives in a house that sticks out like a goth at a Care Bears convention. Come on man, if you’re gonna be living in a house like that, then at least lock your god damn doors! When Roshi gets killed by a CGI blob at the end of the movie, I honestly couldn’t be bothered. Instead, I was thinking “Hmm... I WONDER if they’re going to use that perfect wish to revive him...!” And they did.

Fat, to loads of people you may be a revered actor, but to me, you're just another tosser that ruined Dragonball.

He's an awesome actor actually. Only reason he sucked was because he was made to suck.

Man, Nikku, you are totally awesome!!

I simply like the way you manipulate "cool" and "I am not ready for this" !!!
The next generation emoticons may be named emojusticons after this brilliant actor.

Jamie Chung was perhaps the only alien in the entire film!!

^______^

Yay, thank you!

Me want moar comments!!

Did anybody wonder when they were stuck in Yamcha's hole and trying 4 hrs 2 get out and all of a sudden yun fat flies rite out why didn't he do that hrs be4???

I stated the exact same thing in my review of the film... sorry, my review of the turd!

Nikku wrote:Joon Park as Yamcha;
Yo duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! My main man Yamcha is like the most ‘with it’ guy in da movie! He has this totally bitchin’ accent and this kick ass drill which he uses to like... DRILL STUFF!! He has this totally pimped up leather jacket and he like digs holes in the middle of deserts and waits for homies to fall into them! Like yo, that’s whack! He has this died blonde hair which looks so dope! OH, and he can’t fight for shit either! Oh and he gets all the girls he wants yo! Like that beatch Bulma, he gets her to make out with him just after meeting her! COWABUNGA!!!

Eriko Tamura as Mai;
So her name is Mai! Thank you Wikipedia! Yes, Eriko’s character is never named once in the entire film. Her only purpose is to wear spandex and show off her REALLY bad wig. Did I mention that she is supposed to be the film’s fan service? She does a horrible job at it too. Look at early Dragonball (proper Dragonball); Bulma in a bunny suit. *Insert lecherous noises here* That was fantastic fan service because it was done right. THIS is not fan service! Eriko Tamura is about as sexy as a cheese sandwich.

Randall Duk Kim as Grandpa Gohan;
Randall Duk Kim plays who he thinks is Grandpa Gohan. He’s some old guy who can be defeated by making him eat bugs. (If that’s an actual mini game in the PSP videogame then I’ll just laugh; picture it! Guide the bugs into Gohan’s mouth to help Goku defeat him!) Grandpa loves cooking bird legs and eating them in a way that would freak out even Gengis Khan. Oh and he also tries to screw up like the Beatles and (mentally) say he is bigger than Jesus by walking on water in a dream sequence had by Goku. He’s killed pretty early on by Palpatine, making a guest appearance from Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith and dies soon afterwards. I however wasn’t thinking about his death, I was in fact pondering on how and why the evil Emperor changed movies...

Texas Battle as Carrey Fuller;
You know I’ve never actually seen a movie in which a minor secondary villain gets much more screen time than the main one. Then I saw Dragonball Evolution. And that’s just sad. So anyways, Carrey Fuller is the resident school bully who bullies Goku. Why is he bullying Goku and calling him Geeko when Goku looks EXACTLY like they do!! Seriously, why aren’t they picking on the nerd with his trousers pulled up to his waist and the TV screen size glasses and the shirt pocket with the whole jubilee of pens sprouting from it? And come on, “Geeko”?? When you’re a school bully and that name is the best you can come up with, then you gotta start asking yourself if you are truly worthy of being a bully.

Nikku how could you you insulted the sexiness of a cheese sandwhich! Should have said she's about as sexy as a cheese sandwhich but that would be insulting the sexiness of a cheese sandwhich. Nice review!

Nikku wrote:Chow Yun Fat as Master Roshi;
So many people say this guy, this Chow Yun Fat, is a great actor. Now watch Dragonball Evolution and tell me that. Fat overacts all his scenes like an idiot. Take the scene in which he introduces himself; He does a star jump and yells out “I AM... MUTEN ROSHI!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!” It’s really random and so not funny. Why didn’t he just say “Hello, I’m Roshi nice to meet you.”? And dialogue from him is extremely cringe worthy – “Believe it you punk! You’re getting your clocked cleans!” or whatever the F**k he said.

Oh yeah, this version of Roshi also leaves his front door unlocked at night and lives in a house that sticks out like a goth at a Care Bears convention. Come on man, if you’re gonna be living in a house like that, then at least lock your god damn doors! When Roshi gets killed by a CGI blob at the end of the movie, I honestly couldn’t be bothered. Instead, I was thinking “Hmm... I WONDER if they’re going to use that perfect wish to revive him...!” And they did.

Fat, to loads of people you may be a revered actor, but to me, you're just another tosser that ruined Dragonball.

In DBE his character looks like mr Satan\Hercule... (his introduction...for example)

This was BRILLIANT!!!
nothing better than read another bash-bomb dropped on DBE

And this:

He can’t do it (he wasn’t ready for it), so he actually

will ALWAYS make me laugh...ALWAYS

Hehe! That'll teach 'em to use an out of character line!